all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
