john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I believe in your delicious
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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