3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
