Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
