She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
