we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
