The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
