I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
