Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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