i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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