I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
