Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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