dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
