: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
People in love make me want to vomit
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
