Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
