Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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