So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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