It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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