I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
