I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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