You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
