why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
