he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
