when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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