You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
