Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
