dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
