I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
