so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
