I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
