i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
