I wish I could teleport
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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