Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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