girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
FUCK WHALES
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
