hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
