My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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