Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
