Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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