We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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