Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
