Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
