i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
