So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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