i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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