TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
