Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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