The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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