5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
