It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
