This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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