Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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