dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
