I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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