Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
