What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
