Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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