I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
