dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
