dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
